Today I attened a graduation party for a younger friend of mine. Me and my boyfriend went together and had a nice meal out in the beautiful summer day. Now let me let you in on a few key details that will help you understand the situation. In the past my man has had a few, lets just say not so innocent experiences. Now dont get me wrong, I'm not a saint either, but for some reason the things that he has done just urks me. It eats at me all day, everyday. Even though he wasn't with me for a lot of the things and has never cheated on me (that I know of) I just can't seem to forgive him. I'm constantly accusing him and always trying to start a fight. Today during the event they were grilling food. I am very insecure about people looking at me. Waiting in line and feeling that people are looking at me, judging me, discovering my flaws, really makes me uncomfortable so I asked him to get me something. He fought me on the idea but eventually gave in. Expecially after I reminded him that he had recently spent the night in the livingroom of a girl that I dispise and he had had a previous encounter with (the skank had sex with him and her boyfriend at the same time). So he got me my food, we finished eating and then made our way to say our goodbyes to the host. Before we left though I wanted to grab a cupcake. There were these amazing little cupcakes that were specially made for the party and were just so beautiful I had to have one. So I asked my guy to walk with me into the food area and get one. He said no, that I could do it myself, but I didn't want to so I argued a bit and he finally gave in and came with me. I got my cupcake, we made out way out and said our goodbyes and started waking to the car. At one point there was a step down and I was wearing rather large heels so I asked him to come back and hold my hand while I steped down so I wouldn't fall. He said no and simply refused. He never came, even though he was only a step away.
When we got into the car he lost it. Screaming things about how I treat him like my bitch, how I dont respect him, yada yada yada. So I just turned up the radio. Told him whatever I dont care, I dont care. After about ten minutes of riding without talking he tried to start putting his arm around me and holding my hand. I fought him off and told him not to touch me anymore. He said that he didnt understand why I was mad. We were just talking he said. If we were just talking than why was he screaming in the car and accusing me of stupid stuff! Whatever.
As we pulled into my driveway I made it clear to him that I didn't want him to stay. He just blew it off. He walked up the door which I quickly blocked with my body. He kept saying that he didnt understand why we were fighting and a bunch of other bull. I just lost it and said, "I hate you, I hate everything about you." He just said fine and started to walk away. He walked slowly over to his truck and then started it up and then started to slowly drive away. I just stood there watching it all, hoping desperatly that he would come back. That he was just doing it to prove a point but he would turn around. He didn't.
A few minutes later he called. Said that he wasn't too far away were he couldnt turn back if I would just say I didn't mean it. I said nothing. I told him if he really cared he would come back and then I hung up. He didnt come back. So I called him. He said that if I would take it back he would come back. I didn't. I told him to grow up, that if he really cared about me he would show up, and then I gave him a time frame. "If you arn't here in 30 minutes then just forget it ok. Its over and I never want to see you again. Got it!" And hung up.
He never came.
I got a few txt messages saying things like 'I clearly don't care' and other things along that line. If I didn't care than why would I call and baisicaly spell it out for him to come? Huh, why? I just don't know what to do anymore. Sometimes I wonder why he doses this, why he leaves me all alone, why he dosent run to me when he hears me crying on the phone? How can he do this to me? How!
We had an entire day planed out tomorrow for family graduation parties. I wonder if we will be atteneding them after all. I wonder how another person can hurt me so. How my entire body can feel such hurt. I wonder if it will ever stop.
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I wonder the same thing. WILL IT EVER FUCKING STOP?! We don't mean to be so mean but we can't help our chemical imbalance that we unfortunately were granted. I too suffer from BPD and recently broke up with my boyfriend for reasons a little similar to yours but not so much. His past was eating away at me also. Now that I feel the weight has been lifted, my brain decides to be upset about other things. Such as not having many friends, and my past growing up as a kid...being bullied by my older brother, made fun of for being bi-racial (half thai half italian) it was like i wasn't accepted into any group. Nobody would give me the time of day and it still feels like that, even at 23.
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